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[horatiopump]

   It was a night I'll never forget. The kind of night that needs big words to describe. Terrorists were trying to bomb some lost temple in some god forsaken jungle in some god forsaken country. My counter-terrorist team was deployed to stop them. The insertion was pretty standard: buy a bunch of equipment, wait 30 seconds to make sure we were all on the same page. As usual I took the best possible route while the rest of my team tried something sneaky that was sure to backfire on them. Within seconds I had engaged my first target, lippy the wonder bra. He had spotted me but was unsure what to do because of his delusional mind , so I dispatched him with minimal effort and continued on to my target. By now the rest of my team were all dead (with the exception of nitewing who was rendered ineffective due to the fact that he was crouched behind a wall somewhere caressing his auto-sniper), so it was all up to me. As I rounded a corner a shot rang out over my head. It was the naked mole rat and he looked like he meant business. He was about 20 yards away and taking aim. Calmly I pulled a turkey sandwich out of my rucksack and proceeded to have a healthy and balanced lunch while 32 more shots missed wildly. When I had finished I took down the mole rat with a headshot and moved on. Just as I was about to stop and check my bearings a voice came over my headset. "The bomb has been planted". My god, was I too late? My pulse quickened and my adrenaline level shot up. Without hesitation I sprinted for the bomb site. As I approached I slowed to a walk and dared to check to see who I was dealing with here. It was my arch nemesis vash. Knowing I only had seconds to spare I smoked the bomb and went for the diffusal. Suddenlly I heard the "shing" of a knife being pulled out. With reflexes learned by spending years of training with the FPS monks of Uulan-batar, I spun around and put 2 shots into vash's chest before he could even take a swing at me. With cool, steady hands I proceeded to diffuse the bomb. When I had finished I walked over to where vash was laying in a crumpled heap. He was trying to say something but I was distracted by the pink, lacey panties that were visible through the white skirt he was wearing. I knelt down so I could hear him. "I always knew you were better than me, and sexier, and had better hair" , he said. And then, as with all people who are dying, he crapped all over himself. I stood there for a long time looking at the carnage I had inflicted. I was truly a god-like warrior that noone else could measure up to......I was horatio pump.

[wallworm]

Now it all makes sense! I finally understand you Matt... Horatio Pump can be abbreviated as HP... Aside from sharing the first two initials of H. P. Lovecraft... (which was my original guess for the name), I finally realized the truth after reading your fantastic account! It's HP as in Honey Possum!

[Infidel]

They say every lie or fabrication is based in truth.
I read this four times before I noticed the single shred of truth hiding within its deluded sentences.

quote author=horatiopump link=topic=58.msg136#msg136 date=1301104907]
  with the exception of nitewing who was rendered ineffective due to the fact that he was crouched behind a wall somewhere caressing his auto-sniper

At least he can get one fact correct....